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Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Reusability

Four communication patterns that predict relationship failure: criticism (attacking character), contempt (superiority/disrespect), defensiveness (victim mentality), and stonewalling (emotional withdrawal)

How It Works

These behaviors create negative cycles that erode fundamental respect and connection. Contempt is the worst because it signals hierarchy rather than equality

Components

Identify which horseman is present

Replace criticism with complaint about specific behavior

Counter contempt by building culture of appreciation

Replace defensiveness with responsibility

Counter stonewalling with breaks and re-engagement

When to Use

When evaluating relationship health, training in conflict resolution, or diagnosing why certain interactions feel toxic

When Not to Use

Not for casual disagreements or when immediate safety is at risk

Anti-Patterns to Avoid

Eye rolling (contempt)Character attacks vs. behavior feedbackPlaying victim when receiving feedbackComplete emotional shutdown

Example

“Instead of saying 'You always leave dishes everywhere, you're so inconsiderate' (criticism + contempt), say 'When dishes are left in the sink, I feel overwhelmed. Could we figure out a system?' (specific complaint)”